Talking About Death with Children: Turning A Small Tragedy Into An Unforgettable Teaching Moment

A week ago, the girls and I were on our way to the Co-op when we heard a small crack from the ground. Mimi immediately burst into tears, and as I hugged her tightly, I dared not look down. The shock on her face hinted at a tragedy. As Mimi’s cries slowly subsided, I cautiously looked down to confirm my suspicion – I had accidentally stepped on a garden snail.

You might think Mimi’s reaction was a bit overdramatic, but you have to understand, this girl LOVES her slimy babies. Every day, rain or shine, there’s a new snail tenant in our living room. They don’t help with the bills, but they eat only gourmet food and sleep like kings on the best of mattresses. Her pain was deep, and I could only imagine the betrayal she felt when her dear mamã killed one of her beloved children.

I could have brushed it off, saying, “Come on, it’s just a snail. Accidents happen, you know.” But instead, I saw an opportunity to turn this unfortunate event into something meaningful. It was the perfect learning moment, and I also hoped using its death constructively would help ease my guilt.

After a heartfelt apology and a lot of validating Mimi’s feelings, I encouraged her to talk about her emotions. At just three years old, her limited vocabulary can sometimes be a barrier to communication, but talking about her feelings helps her develop self-regulation skills. We explored why she was sad and I shared what I was feeling at the moment too. She was worried that the snail was hurting. I was honest and explained that the snail wasn’t feeling anything anymore because, well, it was dead.

Talking about death with children is no small feat. Here’s what I’ve learned:

Why Is It Important To Talk About Death With Children?

Talking about death with children helps them understand and cope with the concept of loss. It provides them with the tools to express their emotions and ask questions that can help them make sense of the world around them. Addressing death openly can also help demystify the topic, reducing fear and anxiety associated with it.

How To Talk About Death With Children?

Mimi is three, and children her age don’t grasp abstract concepts like “forever” or “permanent.” They take things very literally. Here’s how we navigated the conversation:

1. Honesty

I told her that the snail stopped breathing and because of that he wasn’t coming back to life, like when her iPad runs out of battery and there’s no cable to charge it back.

Honesty, even in difficult conversations, is crucial in building trust with children. By being truthful about what happened, I am demonstrating to Mimi that she can rely on me for information, no matter how hard it might be to hear. This transparency helps to foster a sense of security, knowing that she can always come to me with her questions and emotions and expect honest answers.

2. Clarity

We used straightforward language. For instance, I said, “The snail is dead,” rather than, “The snail has gone to sleep.” Euphemisms like “lost” or “sleeping” can be confusing and scary for young children. I did not want Mimi to worry about falling asleep herself. Clear, honest explanations prevent such misunderstandings and help her make sense of the world in a simpler way.

3. Answering Questions

She had lots of them – “Why do things die?” “Are you going to die?” “Am I going to die?” I answered as best as I could, keeping it age-appropriate, this way she saw that it’s okay to acknowledge tough realities and talk about them openly, which teaches her to do the same.

4. Exploring Grief And Coping

We talked about the importance of grieving and explored positive ways to cope with it. I explained there are dedicated spaces to remember the deceased, called funerals and we saw a short film on Youtube called “Explaining funerals to children: what happens at a burial?” by Child Bereavement UK.

We also talked about how different people have different beliefs about what happens after death. For instance, Mimi’s grandma told her that when something dies, it becomes a star in the sky. This confused Mimi – how does a snail become a star and get up there? I explained that people have various ways of understanding and coping with death.

5. Revisiting The Topic

I know we’ll have this conversation again. It’s how kids process big concepts.

Our Healing Process: What To Do After Talking About Death With Children

We decided to name the snail Monsieur Escargot and hold our own little funeral. We began with some drawings in his honour and then painted a tombstone. We dressed in black, played beautiful music, and read a eulogy.

We then picked flowers to place near Monsieur Escargot’s grave and said our goodbyes, with the reassurance that we could visit his grave the next day if we still missed him.

To our surprise, the day after, some lovely neighbours had shown their support and love for Monsieur Escargot. Mimi felt so seen! Thank you to whoever contributed to this! The sense of community and belonging was a much-needed warm hug.

By turning this sad moment into a meaningful experience, we not only honoured Monsieur Escargot but also taught Mimi valuable lessons about life, death, and the importance of expressing and processing emotions.

Building Life Skills When Talking About Death With Children

This unexpected encounter with the garden snail offered an invaluable opportunity to work on our values (read more about our values here) and teach Mimi essential life skills. By modelling emotional intelligence, empathy, and healthy coping mechanisms, I am helping her build the tools she will need to navigate the many challenges of life.

1. Modelling Emotional Intelligence

Understanding And Expressing Emotions:

By sharing my own feelings about the incident and encouraging Mimi to express hers, I demonstrated that it’s okay to have emotions and talk about them. This teaches her that acknowledging and naming emotions is the first step in managing them. For example, I shared that I felt guilty for stepping on the snail and sad because it hurt her. This helps Mimi see that adults have feelings too and that it’s normal to express them.

Regulation Of Emotions:

Guiding Mimi through her initial shock and sadness showed her how to calm down and find words for her feelings. I modelled deep breathing, gentle words, and comforting actions, which are essential skills for emotional regulation.

As she learns to regulate her emotions through our conversations and my examples, she builds resilience and the ability to cope with future emotional challenges.

2. Fostering Empathy

Understanding Others’ Feelings:

By acknowledging Mimi’s deep love for snails and validating her pain, I taught her to recognize and respect others’ feelings. This helps her develop empathy, understanding that everyone has unique emotions and experiences. When she saw my remorse and care in handling the situation, she learned the importance of empathy towards others, even when they make mistakes.

Compassionate Responses:

Encouraging Mimi to think about the snail’s well-being and expressing our sorrow through a small ceremony showed her how to respond compassionately to loss. It teaches her that showing kindness and care in difficult situations is a valuable response, an idea that ended up being reenforced by our neighbours support.

3. Developing Coping Skills

Healthy Grieving Processes:

By creating a small funeral for Monsieur Escargot, I showed Mimi a healthy way to process grief and say goodbye. This ritual provided a structured way for her to express her sadness and find closure, important coping skills for dealing with loss. We painted a tombstone, picked flowers, and shared memories, which are all constructive ways to handle grief and celebrate the life of something or someone we care about.

Problem-Solving And Adaptability:

Turning the snail’s death into a meaningful event showed Mimi how to find positive ways to deal with unfortunate situations. It demonstrated that while we can’t always prevent bad things from happening, we can choose how to respond to them constructively. This approach teaches her to adapt and look for solutions or meaningful actions even when faced with challenges.

4. Long-Term Impact On Development

Building Resilience:

By witnessing and participating in these processes, Mimi is learning to bounce back from setbacks and find strength in difficult times. This resilience is crucial for her emotional and psychological well-being throughout life.

Enhancing Communication Skills:

Encouraging her to talk about her feelings helps build her vocabulary and ability to articulate emotions, which is fundamental for effective communication and relationship-building.

Establishing Trust and Security:

Being honest and supportive during this event reinforces her trust in me as a safe, reliable adult. This secure attachment is the foundation for her confidence and ability to seek help when needed.

Conclusion

This experience reminded me that intentional parenting isn’t just about the big moments; it’s about finding opportunities to teach and connect even in the small, unexpected events of everyday life – even when they involve squashed snails.

It turns out, even in the messiest of situations, we can turn a tragedy into a triumph. By tackling tough topics with honesty, empathy, and a bit of creativity, we help our kids build the emotional toolkit they need for life’s rollercoaster. And if nothing else, we might also become experts in snail funerals and the art of making grief slightly less grim. Who knew parenting could turn us into such accidental philosophers?

Here are some additional resources if you’re interested in talking about death with children:

Child Bereavement UK – Explaining Death and Dying to Children
Child Bereavement UK
Offers resources and guidance on how to talk to children about death and grief.
National Alliance for Grieving Children – Grieftalk: Talking to children about death and dying
National Alliance for Grieving Children
Provides information on how to support grieving children and tips for conversations.
The Dougy Center
Resources for helping children cope with loss and discussing death in age-appropriate ways.
PBS Parents – How to Help Your Child When a Loved One Dies
PBS Parents
Offers tips and strategies for discussing death with children in a sensitive manner.
American Academy of Pediatrics – Supporting The Grieving Child and Family
American Academy of Pediatrics
Provides professional advice on supporting children who are experiencing grief.
Child Mind Institute – Helping Children Cope With Grief
Child Mind Institute
Offers practical advice for discussing death and helping children deal with loss.

These links should provide valuable supplementary information and resources if you’re seeking more guidance on talking about death with children.