Talking About Gender And Sex: The Great Post-Olympics Parenting Puzzle

So, the Olympics just wrapped up, and while most people were debating the latest sports highlights, I found myself grappling with an entirely different kind of sport – talking about gender and sex with my three-year-old daughter, Mimi. You see, at this age, children start getting curious about their bodies, and I thought I was prepared. I mean, back in the day, it was easy: girls have vulvas, boys have penises – end of story. But oh, how the plot has thickened! Nowadays, this conversation is far more nuanced and requires a deeper understanding of gender and sex.

The Case Of Amine Khelif: A Lesson In Complexity

Take, for example, the recent case of Amine Khelif, the Algerian athlete who won a gold medal in women’s boxing at the recent Paris Olympics 2024. Cue the controversy!

Some folks are saying she shouldn’t be competing in the women’s category because she might have XY chromosomes and a bit more testosterone than the average woman. But hold on, she was raised as a girl, allegedly has female genitalia, and just won a gold medal – so is she a woman or not? And more importantly, how on earth do I explain this to a preschooler?

Navigating Gender And Sex Talks With a Preschooler

Obviously, when talking about gender and sex, Mimi isn’t going to grill me with questions about chromosomes and testosterone levels – yet. But as an intentional parent, I want to give her accurate information without making her head spin. I want her to feel good about her body, be clear on the basics, and, most importantly, learn to respect others no matter how they identify.

But how do I do that? Back in the day, we were just taught, “Girls have vaginas and boys have penises,” and called it a day. But as our understanding of gender evolves, when talking about gender and sex, should I now be saying, “Well, some girls have vulvas, some have penises, and, uh, it’s complicated”? I can already hear Mimi asking, “So, is Papá a girl too?” And how do I answer that without pulling out a biology textbook?

The "What Makes A Woman?" Debate

This whole “what makes a woman” debate has me in a twist. Are you a woman if you have female genitalia? What about women who have undergone FGM (Female Genital Mutilation) – are they any less women? Of course not! And what if you can’t have kids – are you less of a woman? Does higher testosterone make you a man, even if you have female parts? Are trans women who’ve had gender-affirming surgery more “woman” than those who haven’t? Are trans men who haven’t had surgery still considered women? Is identifying as a certain gender enough to be recognized as that gender? Is a woman defined by having XX chromosomes? What about people like Imane Khelif, who might have XY chromosomes? Does being a woman mean having feminine, delicate features? I have so many questions myself, where do I even start with Mimi?

A Broader Understanding Of Gender And Identity

The reality is, the definitions of “woman” and “man” are no longer as simple as they once were. We’re now discussing terms like “birthing parents,” “people with cervixes,” and “chestfeeding,” which reflect a broader understanding of sex and gender.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if we should just scrap gender altogether. But then I think about things like sports and the Olympics and that, too, is complicated – if we all competed in the same category, would we still see both men and women on the podium, or would things get a bit one-sided?

Why Is "Woman" So Controversial?

Besides, why is it that we’re all so hung up on defining what a woman is, but no one’s out here saying, “Well, what exactly is a man?”. Spoiler: No one’s calling a guy a “non-woman” or a “person who ejaculates.”

Is this difference in focus mere semantics? Maybe. But doesn’t avoiding the word “woman” and making its definition taboo reflect deeper societal issues and reinforce the idea that women should continue to sacrifice their identity for others? As a mother of two girls, these are not just philosophical questions – they directly impact how I raise my daughters.

Embracing Complexity In Parenting

At the end of the day, the world’s getting more complex, and so are the conversations we have with our children. When talking about gender and sex, the simple “boys versus girls” talk doesn’t quite cut it anymore. But hey, maybe that’s okay. Maybe the best thing I can do is teach Mimi and Lou that it’s all right to ask questions – even the tough ones – and that it’s okay if the answers aren’t always black and white. I’m also learning that, as a parent, I won’t always have the perfect answer, and I might make mistakes in these discussions. It’s okay to admit when I’m unsure and to learn alongside Mimi and Lou.

The Plan: How I'm Talking About Gender And Sex With My Daughters

So, while the answers may not be clear-cut when talking about gender and sex, what’s important is that we approach these conversations with honesty, openness, and most importantly, keep it fun – because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from the Olympics, it’s that parenting, much like sports, is all about doing your best and rolling with the punches. By doing so, we can help children grow into compassionate and informed individuals who respect the diversity of human experience.

My plan? Keep the conversation about gender and sex open-ended and ongoing. As Mimi and Lou grow, their understanding will evolve, so it’s important to revisit these topics regularly and encourage their curiosity. For now, I’ll focus on teaching them that having a vulva doesn’t automatically mean hearts, unicorns, and rainbows – despite what many clothing stores might suggest. It’s perfectly okay to be a girl who loves robots, trains, and baby dinosaurs.

Mimi loves her T-Rex Tony

Additionally, both me and Pedro will also keep modelling equality, respect, and non-traditional gender roles within the family, either by something simple as Pedro using a pink toothbrush and I blue, or something deeper such as him taking care of the laundry and bedtime while I organize our finances and take care of the garden.

Conclusion

Gender is complex and doesn’t have to fit into traditional or stereotypical molds, and identity is personal – it can’t be neatly categorized. We all have value beyond our birth sex, whether through our talents, interests, or the way we treat others. Defining ourselves as women or not does not change our individual worth. Whether we have vulvas, penises, or something in between, one thing is certain: we should all be able to present and express ourselves freely, and work towards our aspirations – whether that’s raising the best generation yet or winning medals at the Olympics (or both! I’m looking at you Allyson Felix and Nada Hafez).

Side Note: The Importance of Accurate Terminology When Talking About Gender And Sex

One thing I’ve learned in navigating these conversations is the importance of referring to genitals by their accurate names—vulva, penis, testicles, etc.—rather than using nicknames or euphemisms. Using the correct terminology helps children develop a clear and respectful understanding of their bodies, reduces confusion, and can even play a role in protecting them from abuse by ensuring they have the vocabulary to describe their bodies accurately if needed. It also sets the foundation for more informed discussions as they grow older and begin to learn about sex, gender, and identity in greater depth.